Entry #3: Crashing

I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as an overly emotional person. I generally come across as the type of person who has a smile on his face and regardless of the circumstances; unless he is absolutely bent - is happy. It’s a good front. Although I face the same turbulent tugs as anyone else, I try to use positivity to brighten any room. If you consider it a choice, then you could say I chose this façade well. People like to be around those who are happy.

This, however, is not the whole story; those who have lived with me know the contrasts. Still, while I am often a full-of-energy type person, some of my favourite moments involve crashing. I shouldn’t say favourite… what I meant to say is that crashing, figuratively speaking, leaves me in a state that I don’t take for granted. I try to cherish every second of it.

Let me clarify; I don’t enjoy the mere colliding of sounds, vibrations, and terrifying effects of, say a car crash or lightening bolt. I am talking about the drop-to-your-knees crashes. They are incredible; when your head hits the pillow after a long day, when you turn off the car and wait a moment in the night before going inside, when you collapse on the couch to face your thoughts with a pen in hand, and when you are overcome by something unexplained that drives you to your knees in wonder.

Although I realize that everyone needs to crash from time to time, I often wonder why. For myself, I am generally on the go. I work and move and press forward towards what I set my mind to. Then, as if God is grabbing my shoulder, I crumble. Maybe crashing is a way to stop me from going too far; maybe it is just to keep my alive and sane. Pardon this tasteless example, but I think of my life as a retarded train that gets excited and picks up speed. All the while, I am unaware that I was not built to handle the turns and curves at such a speed. I derail.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was constantly on the move this past week and nearing the end and I crashed, both emotionally and physically. I got the opportunity to sit and think. I explored new avenues and experimented with different perspectives. More importantly, I got my wheels back on track and began moving forward. …and I’ll give it all I’ve got until I derail next.