Today is my birthday and that should indicate that I have had a good day. In fact, today was good. Thing is though, I am wiped. I have been on a crazy roller coaster ride through various ups and downs both personally and professionally. My job takes a lot out of me. If I am going to break through this rut I need to work harder, take more time to relax and use my time more effectively.
There is something about achieving goals that is very frustrating. That is the fact that often, when you push towards something you want, the road is not easy. Not a lot on my mind right now because it is warn out. So many things happened over the last 7 days.
It is the end of the day now, and after such a week, I am just about ready to wrap this up and head home to bed. Sleep does wonders and I need to be ready for what lurks around the next corner. I am glad that the world doesn't hang in my hands because I could not do this alone.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Entry #3: Crashing
I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as an overly emotional person. I generally come across as the type of person who has a smile on his face and regardless of the circumstances; unless he is absolutely bent - is happy. It’s a good front. Although I face the same turbulent tugs as anyone else, I try to use positivity to brighten any room. If you consider it a choice, then you could say I chose this façade well. People like to be around those who are happy.
This, however, is not the whole story; those who have lived with me know the contrasts. Still, while I am often a full-of-energy type person, some of my favourite moments involve crashing. I shouldn’t say favourite… what I meant to say is that crashing, figuratively speaking, leaves me in a state that I don’t take for granted. I try to cherish every second of it.
Let me clarify; I don’t enjoy the mere colliding of sounds, vibrations, and terrifying effects of, say a car crash or lightening bolt. I am talking about the drop-to-your-knees crashes. They are incredible; when your head hits the pillow after a long day, when you turn off the car and wait a moment in the night before going inside, when you collapse on the couch to face your thoughts with a pen in hand, and when you are overcome by something unexplained that drives you to your knees in wonder.
Although I realize that everyone needs to crash from time to time, I often wonder why. For myself, I am generally on the go. I work and move and press forward towards what I set my mind to. Then, as if God is grabbing my shoulder, I crumble. Maybe crashing is a way to stop me from going too far; maybe it is just to keep my alive and sane. Pardon this tasteless example, but I think of my life as a retarded train that gets excited and picks up speed. All the while, I am unaware that I was not built to handle the turns and curves at such a speed. I derail.
It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was constantly on the move this past week and nearing the end and I crashed, both emotionally and physically. I got the opportunity to sit and think. I explored new avenues and experimented with different perspectives. More importantly, I got my wheels back on track and began moving forward. …and I’ll give it all I’ve got until I derail next.
This, however, is not the whole story; those who have lived with me know the contrasts. Still, while I am often a full-of-energy type person, some of my favourite moments involve crashing. I shouldn’t say favourite… what I meant to say is that crashing, figuratively speaking, leaves me in a state that I don’t take for granted. I try to cherish every second of it.
Let me clarify; I don’t enjoy the mere colliding of sounds, vibrations, and terrifying effects of, say a car crash or lightening bolt. I am talking about the drop-to-your-knees crashes. They are incredible; when your head hits the pillow after a long day, when you turn off the car and wait a moment in the night before going inside, when you collapse on the couch to face your thoughts with a pen in hand, and when you are overcome by something unexplained that drives you to your knees in wonder.
Although I realize that everyone needs to crash from time to time, I often wonder why. For myself, I am generally on the go. I work and move and press forward towards what I set my mind to. Then, as if God is grabbing my shoulder, I crumble. Maybe crashing is a way to stop me from going too far; maybe it is just to keep my alive and sane. Pardon this tasteless example, but I think of my life as a retarded train that gets excited and picks up speed. All the while, I am unaware that I was not built to handle the turns and curves at such a speed. I derail.
It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was constantly on the move this past week and nearing the end and I crashed, both emotionally and physically. I got the opportunity to sit and think. I explored new avenues and experimented with different perspectives. More importantly, I got my wheels back on track and began moving forward. …and I’ll give it all I’ve got until I derail next.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Entry #2: I Dream with Music
Growing up outside of town meant that travelling to and from work or school took a good 20 minutes or so. I have now relocated into one of the glob cities that make up the Greater Toronto Area. The winding 80km back roads have been replaced by stop lights and stop and go highways. I love the city; I miss the peaceful drives.
As traffic cooled with the setting sun on Friday, I flicked on the headlights and began to track North. A radio check of traffic and weather allows me to slip into my mind following the guidance of my iPod. I often dream with music; something about being immersed in the emotional trails of progressive alternative rock seems to let me forget about the daily vices of the work week. …and I dream.
I am sure this is a combination of things. I am escaping routine, contemplating thoughts in the solitude of my car, and becoming hypnotized by the turns while trekking deeper into the natural world. While any opportunity to collect thoughts and play silent films of goals and aspirations is inviting, there are scary truths that are uncovered in my dreams. I am not where I want to be, yet I am exactly where I put myself.
There is an underlying knowledge in each of us that allows us to see the broken world around us and gives us a glimmer of imagination pointing to a perfect world. I am certain that the perfect world looks different or plays out differently according to our individuality, however, fantasies and dreams of a better life come through these glimmers. Some say, and I agree, that these glimmers point us to something bigger.
Some dream of money, some of philanthropic adventures, some dream of power, some dream of luxury, some dream of self-indulgence. I dream of music and long to create it, cultivate it, be part of it, and use it as a catalyst in revealing to others something greater than themselves. The scary truth is that music is not part of my life or part of my pursuits. The challenges that I face each day are monetary and directed by money, power, and self-indulgence. Although these things are obvious motivators in this world, I do not dream of them. I dream with music and I dream of music. I can only pray for an opportunity to reverse this reality.
As traffic cooled with the setting sun on Friday, I flicked on the headlights and began to track North. A radio check of traffic and weather allows me to slip into my mind following the guidance of my iPod. I often dream with music; something about being immersed in the emotional trails of progressive alternative rock seems to let me forget about the daily vices of the work week. …and I dream.
I am sure this is a combination of things. I am escaping routine, contemplating thoughts in the solitude of my car, and becoming hypnotized by the turns while trekking deeper into the natural world. While any opportunity to collect thoughts and play silent films of goals and aspirations is inviting, there are scary truths that are uncovered in my dreams. I am not where I want to be, yet I am exactly where I put myself.
There is an underlying knowledge in each of us that allows us to see the broken world around us and gives us a glimmer of imagination pointing to a perfect world. I am certain that the perfect world looks different or plays out differently according to our individuality, however, fantasies and dreams of a better life come through these glimmers. Some say, and I agree, that these glimmers point us to something bigger.
Some dream of money, some of philanthropic adventures, some dream of power, some dream of luxury, some dream of self-indulgence. I dream of music and long to create it, cultivate it, be part of it, and use it as a catalyst in revealing to others something greater than themselves. The scary truth is that music is not part of my life or part of my pursuits. The challenges that I face each day are monetary and directed by money, power, and self-indulgence. Although these things are obvious motivators in this world, I do not dream of them. I dream with music and I dream of music. I can only pray for an opportunity to reverse this reality.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Entry #1: An Introduction
It seems as if I have been dropped into a desperate pursuit of the American Dream. Although the core of who I am fights against this, I understand my choices put me here.
I saw a title at the bookstore, "Life Inc.", and was comforted that I am not the only one who realizes that something is wrong here. I suppose that looking at the world through a lens of negativity is arguable unhealthy; but I also am aware that to play this sort of game like part of a flock of sheep will only dig me deeper into dependence on the things of this world.
I want to make this clear: the things of this world are the things which do not last – the things that decay. Even the most materialistic understand that most of what we seek is temporary and must either be expanded or cherished in order to hold any value.
However, there are things that last and things that are true and cannot be broken. These are the things that I chase, ultimately. A truer statement would say that these are the things I want to capture and hold. What I tend to chase in reality are the things of this world… namely, The American Dream.
You are welcome to read along through these pages of brown and black, but I do not anticipate much of an audience. I don’t want to lose my grounding to reality, and sometimes that is depressing. Just know that I am confident that the end of this road is not off a cliff.
“It’s not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”
– Rocky Balboa
I saw a title at the bookstore, "Life Inc.", and was comforted that I am not the only one who realizes that something is wrong here. I suppose that looking at the world through a lens of negativity is arguable unhealthy; but I also am aware that to play this sort of game like part of a flock of sheep will only dig me deeper into dependence on the things of this world.
I want to make this clear: the things of this world are the things which do not last – the things that decay. Even the most materialistic understand that most of what we seek is temporary and must either be expanded or cherished in order to hold any value.
However, there are things that last and things that are true and cannot be broken. These are the things that I chase, ultimately. A truer statement would say that these are the things I want to capture and hold. What I tend to chase in reality are the things of this world… namely, The American Dream.
You are welcome to read along through these pages of brown and black, but I do not anticipate much of an audience. I don’t want to lose my grounding to reality, and sometimes that is depressing. Just know that I am confident that the end of this road is not off a cliff.
“It’s not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”
– Rocky Balboa
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